Negative (Pregnancy Tests and Emotions) || Month 17
This month was hard for me. Not the month of November specifically, but the 17th cycle month of Jason and I hoping for a baby. We are nearing a year and a half now, and most of the time I’m totally fine, but this month was harder than most of them have been for me. There were definitely some contributing factors (I think of Harry Potter saying that Ginny’s nice skin could be a “contributing factor” to why some boy likes her every time I use or hear that phrase– in my head I say it using a British accent. Feel free to also do so in the next sentence).
1) It’s the holiday season now, and had I been pregnant last cycle, it would have been perfectly timed to announce it to my family right at Christmas. I know I shouldn’t count the days or think that way because it’s just unnecessary, and I usually don’t, but I couldn’t help it this month and that made it harder when I realized I wasn’t.
2) This cycle was longer, so thinking it could be the month I took an actual pregnancy test. I’ve only ever taken one other pregnancy test because it’s torture seeing them turn out negative, and this month I chose to do that. I don’t really regret taking the test, but I can’t help but get my hopes dashed after I do.
3) Mockingjay Part 1 came out (which is by no means sad– I LOVED the movie), but what does that have to do with hoping to be pregnant? Well, before the first movie came out in March 2012, I remember sitting in the theater thinking that it would be so long until the final movie came out, that by that point I’d have two kids and need babysitters to see the last two movies. I still have a year to go before it’s all over, but unless I get pregnant with twins in the next three months, that hopeful prophecy of my own making won’t be even close to true, and that makes me really sad.
So, those are some of the things that helped make this past month harder than normal. Every time a major holiday comes by I can’t help thinking “By next Christmas/Halloween/Valentines Day surely I’ll have a baby” only to have it not happen for me. Every time I buy “lady supplies” in bulk I can’t help but hoping it’ll be the last time I buy them. I know other women who have struggled with infertility can relate, but it hurts when friends you have who said they would save their baby clothes for you start giving them away to other friends for their babies, and it hurts when you notice that nobody pays attention to whether you’re having a drink anymore when you go out (telltale sign for lots of women before they make an announcement). Feeling obligated to say “I’m not pregnant, but guess what?!” every time you have big news isn’t awesome, and hearing “If you just stop stressing/worrying about it, it’ll happen” is just plain old (not to mention rude– it’s implying that it’s my fault that I’m not pregnant rather than a medical issue). It’s all old really.
So, sorry about the downer post, but sometimes you just have to let it out. This month was difficult, but a new one is here, and I’m already feeling a lot better. Most of my months are great. I have a ton of great friends, I go to an exciting church that I look forward to every week, my business is so busy I’m turning clients away, my little sister is moving to my city with her husband in two weeks, and my husband is the kind of man every girl dreams about. It’s really a fabulous life and I thank God for it often, but I know I can also lean on Him when I’m having a low point as well, and I have. I know that He has a specific plan for Jason and I, and I will love Him and trust Him even if it never happens for me because I know that His plans are greater.
What now? Well, I’m getting new insurance with Jason starting in January, and I am hoping to get a saliva test done, and well as some other basic fertility tests, just to see if there’s something that can be fixed or explained. We are also going to start the process of becoming certified as foster parents in January, and will be pursuing adopting from the foster care system. We have always wanted a baby, but there are so many kids out there wishing for a home, and if God puts me into a position to grant that wish, I would be incredibly honored. So those are my plans, but we’ll see! As always, thanks for reading, and thanks for your prayers.