It Is Well With My Soul || Baby Journey
This is going to be such a long blog. I might actually split it up a bit because I could just go on and on and on. Something has happened. If you’re reading this blog you might already know what it is. Actually, lot’s of somethings have happened, come to think of it. Our first foster placement of three sisters will soon be coming to a close and they reunify with family. They’ve been with us for over a year and it’s going to be really hard, but we believe the placement is a good one and will likely be able to stay in their lives, so that is about as good as it gets for foster parents! We found out that news three days after our other big news.
No, a birthmom didn’t pick us. We don’t know if we have been considered at all by birthmoms, actually, because you can choose to be notified or not, and I’m not one who likes to get her hopes up and then dashed (you’ll notice that theme again later). The process to adopt can be very long though, and we are prepared to have to wait years to bring home our baby. In the meantime we are working on fundraisers and grants, but it’s been so busy in our home that we’ve only made a little progress on that front (meaning we received one grant and have one fundraiser in the pipeline).
So if those two huge things are not the news, you have probably guessed it. Unbelievably, incredibly, surprisingly…We. Are. Pregnant. WHAT?! Even just writing that down right now is such an unexpected thrill that it makes me emotional all over again. Emotional has been my go-to demeanor lately, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’m a bit meaner to my family, although luckily those mood swings only lasted about a week, I’m more weepy over anything baby related (anything, anywhere), and literally anytime I think about God’s grace I just want to sob with relief and joy and assurance. It was so unexpected ya’ll, like seriously. It took 5 pregnancy tests for me to actually believe it. I want to tell you the whole story with every single detail (partly for your benefit, but mainly for mine because I don’t want to forget a single minute), but first, I just have to give you this one song I wept over today.
This is from Bethel’s CD “You Make Me Brave” and it’s called “Shepard.” I didn’t actually even know that was the name of the song till just now when I looked it up to show you, and that’s even more special to me now since Psalm 23 is probably my favorite passage in the Bible. Anyway, here are the lyrics in italics (anything in parenthesis are my thoughts on it):
In the process In the waiting (could those two lines describe the last three years of facing infertility any better? I immediately got chills) You’re making melodies over me And your presence is the promise (it’s been the one thing that’s gotten me through the pain of infertility, is knowing God is grieving with me too, that He hates our pain and the sin in the world that causes it, and that He is always with me no matter what) For I am a pilgrim on a journey (at the risk of sounding like someone from “The Bachelor,” it really has been an emotional journey)
You will lift my head above the mighty waves (sometimes I felt like I was sinking in my grief, only held up by His love for me. How did this singer know this???) You are able to keep me from stumbling And in my weakness You are the strength that comes from within (Yes, HE was my strength! The only thing that kept me from becoming bitter or sad all the time was His strength and love that is so evident in my life.) Good shepherd of my soul Take my hand and lead me on
You make my footsteps and my path secure So walking on water is just the beginning (the miracle of Peter walking on water was just the beginning, not the point of the story, but the means through which Peter started to learn to fully realize Jesus for who He was) Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention For You are calling me to greater things (I feel like I am on the verge of finding out what those things are)
Oh how I love You how I love You You have not forsaken me (this is the line that is sung over and over and just makes me weep. I always knew God hadn’t forgotten or forsaken me. I fully trusted that and believed it, but even so, this unexpected gift is just washing over me in how He wants good things for His children) With you is where I want to be
You can listen to the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_vgsfgy-rs
So how’d it happen? Well, not how how, you know that part, but I’m sure you want to know the story about how we found out, so here goes…
First of all, we’ve been trying for three years, and for especially the first year and a half, we were pretty gung-ho about the whole thing. We used an app to chart my cycles, Jason woke me up early every morning to take and record my basal body temperature, I read books on how to increase your chances, I tried oils, prenatal yoga, cutting out hormones from my body products (I switched to Beauty Counter, I highly recommend it!), started seeing a chiropractor, did a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test (dye is injected into the fallopian tubes to allow the specialist to see the path of the tubes and make sure they are clear), and even three rounds of Clomid after that, despite the fact that I’ve always had perfect cycles and have always been ovulating on my own. Now, before you think it, we were NOT stressed about it, except for probably the first three months of trying, so that was not the problem. It’s so tiring and annoying to hear people say “Well if you only stop trying and keep your stress down, it’ll happen.” NOPE! If you’re someone who says that to women struggling with infertility, please stop, right now. What you’re saying is probably very well intentioned, but you’re basically implying that it’s her fault she can’t get pregnant, rather than a medical condition that plagues 1 in 8 women. It’s hurtful, it’s agonizing to hear, and boy did I get tired of it! Anyway, allow to me jump down from my soap box…
So after about one and a half years of those things, we stopped tracking, decided not to get any further medical intervention, and though I continued using Beauty Counter and seeing a chiropractor, besides marking down each day I’d start a cycle, we gave up all the other “proven methods.” Six months later we decided to adopt and also become foster parents, so although our hearts were full from having a house full of kids, we still tried every month, without much hope. I gave up expecting anything a loooong time ago though, so that contributes to the massive surprise that was May 21st, 2016.
Backing up a few days, there were only two teeny tiny signs that I noticed before realizing my cycle was late. Once, about a week after conception, I mentioned to Jason that I had been FAMISHED the last two days and couldn’t get enough to eat. He raised his eyebrows at me, signaling that he was wondering if I could be pregnant, and I nearly cried. “Please don’t look at me like that babe.” I said, “It hurts too much to hope and then be let down this many times, so I don’t even want a glimmer of expectation entering my head, and it’s hard when you look excited like that.” Of course Jason, in all his perfect-husbandness, apologized quickly and promised he’d try not to do it again. Another day during that week I had a sharp pain on one side of my stomach and briefly thought of pregnancy. I squashed it though. The thing is, everything is a pregnancy symptom! None of those things were really special at all, because every month of the last three years I could give you at least one instance of something “weird” happening that could be pregnancy related, so these things did not stick out to me at all, and in fact I hated that they happened because they would just lead me to start thinking about it again.
So, those were my only warnings until one night it occurred to me that I should be starting my period soon, and noticed I hadn’t had my customary cramps beforehand (sorry, TMI, but I have to give all the details here). I looked at my app to find out when it should happen and realized it was already day 30 of my cycle! Why was this significant? Because for four years I have tracked my cycles and never, not ONCE have I ever gone over 30 days. I’m usually firmly between 28 and 30, and never ever over 30 days. Naturally, I freaked out a little. Not because I thought I was pregnant, but because I knew that now not matter what, I would be crushed in a day or two when my period inevitably started, and my hopes had already gotten way too far up in just that instant.
It was all I could think about. It was agonizing. I was literally just going through the motions that night finishing supper and getting the kids ready for bed, and it was really painful. Finally, right before the kids were supposed to sleep, I curled up on the coach in my living room and folded my hands and quietly but audibly started praying to God. I needed peace. I begged for it, asked Him to please get it off my mind so I could calm down, and I recited Psalm 23 to myself, which is the passage about how God is our Shepard and looks out for us and will lead us through troubling times. While I was praying, four-year old K came out of the bathroom and saw me praying and came over and folded her hands and sat next to me and started praying too. I have no idea if she was saying any specific words, she was whispering like I was, but she knows how prayer works and was right there with me while I prayed. In an instant the most overwhelming, blanketed peace came over me. I’m talking like it literally felt like God covered me with a blanket of peace, and I was completely fine, and so incredibly relieved. I went the rest of the night, even through a few episodes of television where moms had babies or lost them, and was totally at peace. It was so powerful.
Later that same night (I stay up pretty late) when I was getting into bed the anxiety approached me again and this time I prayed for something different. I prayed for cramps. I said “God, please just give me the cramps that always come before my period now so that I will know I’m not pregnant and can get to sleep.” Not five seconds later my cramps came, no joke. I went to sleep mildly disappointed, knowing I was definitely not pregnant, but mostly so thankful to God for so directly answering my prayers and for giving me His peace that surpasses all understanding. The next few days my cramps continued, and I had very light spotting as well, so I was 100% convinced my cycle was just late and coming soon, and hardly thought about it again for two days. I even had reasons all lined up in my mind why it was probably late that month!
On day 32 of my cycle, still very very lightly spotting, it was the Grey’s Anatomy season 12 finale and I spent the evening with my amazing friend Katie and her sister and mom. They made pasta a la vodka and I had two glasses of wine. Don’t judge me! As I said, I was 100% convinced I was not pregnant and didn’t even think twice about it. It was a terrific night. On the way home (Katie was my driver, which is why I had two glasses of wine and not one), I told Katie about how the week had gone, with the weirdness of it being Day 32, of the incredible peace God had given me, and that no matter what for me “It is well with my soul.” That song has been huge for me for months now. In case you don’t know the story behind it, the gentlemen who penned the words “When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well, with my soul” wrote the song after arriving on the spot where his four daughters had been drowned in a boat accident. He cried out to God in his sadness but still admitted that even in his most trying moments, his faith in God would not be shaken. It’s a powerful song to me, and as I struggled in my infertility, it was one that I sang to the Lord over and over again, assuring Him and myself that no matter what He chose to do with my life I would still love Him and my faith would not be shaken. Even now I feel that way, and it is still an anthem to me as I reach 12 weeks of pregnancy. I intimated that to Katie that night, asking her to pray for me as I struggled with trying not to get my hopes up. Two days later, I got a positive pregnancy test.
Part 3: Realization
I don’t really remember the morning of Saturday, May 21st at all. I know that I had a newborn shoot that morning, and that I was excited for game night that evening with my church group, but otherwise the moment I first really remember was when Jason and I were trying to take an afternoon nap. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get comfortable, and knowing it was Day 34, I was wrestling with myself over whether I should take a test that day or wait until Monday. I don’t even think I had told Jason I was late by this point. I didn’t want him to get his hopes up too, which would in turn be even more devastating when my period finally, inevitably, would come.
After three years, those little pregnancy sticks are your worst enemy. They taunt you, disappoint you, and tease you relentlessly and I just couldn’t bare to see another negative sign. I had decided to wait until Monday to test when I suddenly got out of bed, went to the bathroom and rummaged until I found the old tests I had bought years before. I don’t even remember consciously making the decision to test right then, but I was just so fed up with the games that I finally decided to just get it over with. I didn’t wait three minutes to read the results like the tests say to do. I put the test down and stared angrily at it the whole time, a glimmer of hope in my stomach betraying me, daring it to make me wrong. It did. It made me wrong. I saw the faintest little cross show up on the test and thought I was going to pass out. I wasn’t even excited, I felt like I was going to throw up, SURE that it was a trick. I called Jason into the room. He came running, my voice apparently making him very nervous. Remember that he had no idea I was even late or testing!
“I’m freaking out” I said “My heart is beating so fast and I think I might faint.” Jason thought I was having a heart attack, no joke. He had no idea what was going on. I sat down on the toilet lid and didn’t look at him as I handed him the stick and asked “Does that look like a plus sign to you?”
He immediately understood and switched to his soft, caring husband voice (it’s a noticeable change), and said “Yeah it does baby.” Did I smile or get excited? Did we jump up and down and snap pictures? Nope! My first words were “Don’t smile!!!” I was terrified. Completely mortified. I was sure it was all a horrible joke and I was about to go into mourning for the loss of a pretend baby that this little blue line was mocking me with. I told Jason it probably wasn’t real but did another test about a half hour later with the same result until I realized that the tests were expired. That was the joke I was afraid of all along. I knew it. False positive, the tests were expired. I told Jason and we decided to just pick up some new tests after game night that evening to be sure. We both knew it was still positive, and I think a smile or two snuck in by that point, but I was still so nervous and doubtful. We sat down on the bed together and once again prayed for peace and that His will would be done. I texted Katie that I had had two pregnancy tests that were positive and she completely freaked out! I told her after game night I would test again and promised to let her know the results. She probably texted me three times that night asking if I was on the way home yet!
Game night was a blur. I didn’t have any alcohol, I know that, but even though I was happy to spend time with friends, I really just wanted to get to the finale. By this point the hope was seriously creeping in, there was no stopping it. On the way home we stopped at Food Lion, which I never go to, and I hobbled around the unknown store with my broken toe in a cast looking for pregnancy tests. I finally had to ask someone, and when I found them I picked two different well known brands and decided to buy both. We went home and hopped into the bathroom while the kids got ready for bed.
Both tests were VERY positive. I mean no doubt whatsoever, dark as can be. It was such a shock, and the experience was absolutely nothing like what I always pictured finding out would be like. I was relieved yes, but I could hardly even say that I was happy. I was so sure I couldn’t be pregnant that it was really very hard to accept it. Jason asked “Can I smile now?” and that kind of did it. “We’re having a baby, I think.” I said. We both just smiled, hugged and stared at the tests. I numbered them one through four so I wouldn’t ever forget and we took a couple of pictures to commemorate the moment, but I was still in a major blur. Of course I told Katie and she was so excited, and it helped me get excited too, but mostly I was just an incredibly emotional zombie. I went to bed in slight excitement and mostly stunned disbelief, just trying to accept the news. I never expected to have that day, and I couldn’t believe it was happening.
Part 4: Aftermath
Sunday I was still in a blur, walking around at church as if people could tell. We sat with a guy we had met earlier that month who was going through some very hard times, all the way in the back of the church. Usually we sit third row center, so being back there was unusual, and during the songs we sang I kept bouncing back and forth between wanting to loudly and joyfully praise God for the moments I was having and also be sensitive to the obviously bad time the guy next to us was having. It seemed like every song that day was about how good God was, and boy did it resonate with me, more than ever. I silently sent up thanks to God for remembering me. Of course Katie found me and gave me a secret hug, and I later that day we told C, our 12 year old foster daughter, who immediately started looking up baby names on the computer. It was so precious.
Monday I think was the first day I got really excited. I started planning when to tell people and how to tell them, and that day I made the ultrasound appointment, which made it so real for me! I started spontaneously going up to Jason (who works from home on Mondays) and saying “We’re having a baby!!” From then on it was game on. I created a Pinterest board and kept it secret of course, and downloaded all the pregnancy apps. We also told my sister Elisabeth that day on Facetime, since I knew I wouldn’t see her in person for a long time. Tuesday we told my community group at church (watch: video), Friday we told Jason’s parents (watch: video) and Sunday my family all came down for Memorial Day and that’s when I told them (watch: video). It was special that it happened at that time because four years ago during that weekend my sister Rachel announced her first child too! I took videos of all of those ones so I’d never forget those moments. I used to just bawl and bawl over pregnancy announcements on YouTube, so doing one of my own was incredibly special for me.
video). In case you are wondering, we are not going to find out the sex, because it’s more fun and neither Jason nor I have any preference at all. Our baby’s room will be gray with teal and yellow, and be decorated with vintage hot air balloons. If we have a boy, a few airplanes will be added, and for a girl we will add butterflies. It’s been so much fun planning!!
One thing nearly every single person has asked after I tell them I am pregnant is “So what about the adoption?” So many friends and family contributed to it, so it’s natural they want to know! Our agency’s guidelines state that if you have a new child in the home you must have them a year before you can adopt, so we are simply pushing back our timeline. We will not be shown to birthmoms for the remainder of the time we are pregnant, and a year after I give birth. After that we will go on with our plan, assuming we still feel God’s hand on it, as we do now. We both figured that God gave us a peace about it before and this pregnancy didn’t surprise Him, so our move is to just wait out the time period we are supposed to. I’d love to have two small ones at once!
There’s no way you’ll ever hear me complain. No way. If you ask, I might tell you that sleep has been difficult, and sometimes funny things happen with food, but I don’t care if I’m bedridden the rest of the way, you’ll hear no complaint from me. I am so overjoyed to have this life in me and I don’t care what it takes to get there. I don’t think I would have appreciated it half as much if it had happened three years ago. I know I wouldn’t have.
Another thing that’s been put into perspective is the possible reason why God’s answer to our prayer was to wait. We realize now that we would never have become foster parents and had our three girls if we had gotten pregnant when we wanted to. We always planned on being foster parents, but not this soon, not before our biological kids. If we had had our way, C and B would not have come to love and follow Jesus in front of our eyes, and K would never have graced us with her incredible smiles. I would never trade those things for anything, and now I praise God for making me wait. His timing is always perfect, and His ways, no matter what happens next, are always better than ours. I never felt like God abandoned me, or that I was owed motherhood; I knew that God mourned with me when I cried. I knew He wanted His child to feel His love and just needed me to wait and see, and even if I had never gotten pregnant, that He felt that loss with me. I serve a loving God even in the midst of the storm, and it is well with my soul. It is so well.